JShu on the Journey

A Kansan takes on Missouri

Archive for October 2009

These are times that can’t be weathered and we have never been back there since then.

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Absurdly long post title is courtesy of Rilo Kiley. Which sometimes nails what I’m thinking right on the head.

Last night I had a very realistic dream. Another person (not the subject of my last post) who has been holding a major grudge against me and I made up.

If only dreams like that came true. I’m still hoping and praying for us to patch things up. Bury the hatchet. Ya know. Move forward and know exactly where we stand with the other person.

I’ve been thinking a lot about forgiveness recently. All I want from the person in that dream is to say, yeah, I’ve been acting like a total jerk. I’m an idiot. I’m jealous and prideful and acted accordingly. I want him to let go of being mad at me. It’s neither helpful or healthy to live and brood on the past. I want to say, hey, you, please, can we go forward? Can you forgive me for this?

Idk. Maybe he has moved on, but I’m still being blocked by him on Facebook and instant messenger, which isn’t a good sign. And childish. Maybe he doesn’t hate me so much as never really wants to hear from me again. But still, that’s really not dealing with the situation.

It’s weird. I’ve had 21.5 relatively drama-free years, then bam, 2009 is the year of people hating me (either directly or by association). Not sure what that’s about.

Hopefully 2010 will be better there.


Written by Jessica

October 13, 2009 at 9:53 pm

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Breaking bonds

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What do you do when someone you care deeply about wants to have nothing to do with you?

My mom informed me over the telephone that my cousin straight up told her she wants doesn’t want any contact from my immediate family. No news about marriages, children, deaths, etc.

I didn’t think this would escalate this much. There a bunch of side issues leading to this, but really I’ve done nothing to deserve this or even be caught in the crosshairs. My mom has done nothing to deserve this treatment either.

I also didn’t think this would hurt this much.This cousin is 16 years older than me and I’ve always thought we had a special bond. Her and my mom were best friends. I was her flower girl. Many of my favorite childhood memories involve “Cousin Carole.” I always thought she would be a part of my life.

And here we are.

What next?

And what the hell is wrong with people who call themselves Christians but do a very poor job when it comes to forgiving each other?

All I know is that life is messy. Relationships, doubly so.

Written by Jessica

October 11, 2009 at 12:10 am

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I don’t know why, but sometimes it’s awkward getting feedback on stuff I’ve written. And what is interesting about the community I’m serving is that they are incredibly tuned in and very interested in giving feedback and interacting with reporters. Which is a good thing, after all. But after four years of an apathetic audience in collegiate journalism, it’s a little weird to me.

So far I’ve noticed a few themes in feedback:

Positive: People saw a story and wanted to thank me for it. This is fun and nice.

Have you even read my story?: This involves people saying “Interesting article on this, now let me tell you what I think you should write about that serves my own personal agenda.” Which leads me to believe they really didn’t even read the article, which has nothing to do with what they are talking about.

Weird: Like being asked advice on getting cheap prescription drugs after I wrote an advance story on a veterans benefits seminar.

Or today, when a lady asked me if I could put her in contact with Dr. Oz. Yeah, this Dr. Oz. I wrote an article about a lady going on a completely different daytime doctor television show, The Doctors.

When I told her I couldn’t get her that info (let’s face it, I am not that well connected), she got a little upset with me, and irritated. She asked what, exactly, was the purpose of me writing the story in the first place if I can’t help her with this.

Ma’am. The purpose was to show one lady’s experience with cancer, how she fought it, and how she did overcome it. It’s meant to maybe help others with the same cancer, and maybe give them hope.

“But hope doesn’t make people well,” she tells me. Her loved one is sick. Nothing is working. She genuinely believes Dr. Oz is the last person on this earth who can help.

Whew. Poor lady. Even though basically she insulted me by telling me my story was useless, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. I hope she finds the help she’s looking for.

Written by Jessica

October 7, 2009 at 9:49 pm

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If the stars should appear one night in a thousand years, how would we believe and adore; and preserve for many generations the remembrance of the city of God which had been shown! But every night come out these envoys of beauty, and light the universe with their admonishing smile.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson, from his essay “Nature”

Written by Jessica

October 5, 2009 at 3:17 pm

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